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I’m just a chubby girl climbing

Stop giving a shit.

Who needs another fitness blog, amirite? But here me out, here me out…I’m going through some stuff.

Let me begin by telling you (and I promise it’s related…somewhat) that one of the most influential movies of my childhood is the first ten minutes of ‘Cliffhanger’. Not the whole film. Just the first ten or so minutes. If you haven’t seen it (I’m not even going to say ‘spoilers’ because gawd dammit the movie is at least 20 years old it’s not my fault you had a terrible childhood), the beginning scene involves Sylvester Stallone saving that guy from ‘Walking Dead’ and his girlfriend from the top of a cliff that they were too dumb to realize was terrifying and climbed willingly. Sly climbs to the top even though his buddies have a helicopter (he’s cool)  to help get the idiots down.

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I am drawing these scenes from memory. Hold your applause.

Stallone successfully saves Yondu from “Guardians of the Galaxy” but drops the girlfriend down a chasm even though his arms could clearly lift a diesel truck. It’s a very intense scene for an 80’s movie and a blue screen.  But let’s be honest. A grown woman who takes her teddy bear rock climbing with her is probably not going to last long in the game of life anyway.*

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Girl, you’re falling! Forget yo’ bear!

My family would eventually start drifting out of the room after this scene. I think I’ve only seen the entire movie once but I’ve probably watch that girl die a hundred times. Were we really sickos that just wanted to see this girl and her security teddy plummet to their death? Could we not even wait until we saw John Lithgow (I mean, that guy is great)? Why have I devoted three paragraphs to ‘Cliffhanger’ on a fitness blog? Well, I became one of those crazies and joined a rock gym, in a ditch attempt to get healthy in a fun, adventurous way.

The first step to joining a rock gym is to be brave. There are many cute boys at the rock gym. I am a chubby girl in a harness. The second step is to stop giving a shit. Screw you, cute boys! There is also a bit more money involved here since it’s not a regular gym. We found it worth it to spend more up front and buy harnesses so we wouldn’t have to rent them every time. But that’s up to you.

So after my sister and I joined, we started off small and only climbed the automatic belay routes. Those were walls where the rope would, on its own, gently glide you back to earth if you should fall. This was nice but I would often envision the belay device at the top popping off and smacking me in the brain before I then descended to my untimely death. You see, it turns out my fascination with that damn Stallone movie was because I was afraid of it. I’ve never thought of myself as a person who feared heights, but when you’re actually on a rock, tethered or not, your body and brain go a little bit stiff. I suppose this is a healthy reaction and means that my instincts are working, but for the sake of me being a hardcore badass I would like it to stop.

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After a few weeks of doing these, and with slightly less panic attacks, my sister and I felt like we were Cliffhanger ready and took the class to learn the top ropes. These are ropes that are already looped around the top, but a belayer (your friend or in my case, sister) gives or pulls the slack of one side of the rope. This is nice because you don’t have to necessarily start over with a route if you fall….that is, you don’t if you’re not a giant and your belayer is not a beanpole. Did I mention that I’m pretty overweight and my sister is super duper skinny? Do you know about this thing called physics? Even the best pulley system won’t help you catch an elephant when it plummets to the ground. I’ll let you imagine what happens when my sister belays me. That’s a lie. don’t imagine it, here’s a drawing:

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See those hip boys with questionable hair? See what I mean about bravery?

Now here’s the point of this whole article. (By the way do you like how I told you it’s the point? Maybe next time I’ll tell you before I give you a metaphor. I’m not a delicate writer.) Being fat is a vicious circle. Society doesn’t like that you’re fat, you don’t like that you’re fat. The easiest thing to do is to hide away until you’re not fat. The problem with that is (a.)you’re wasting the one and only life you have and (b.)hiding away won’t make you healthy. It’s not action. Remember that second step, stop giving a shit. It would be easier to start rock climbing when I’m skinny, but who knows if that will ever happen, especially if I keep hiding my body? What am I really waiting for? So here’s to the first blog where I openly make a fool out of myself in an effort to become a better person. I do want to lose weight (I currently weigh in about 212 at 5′ 7″ ish), but I want to like myself too. I’ll keep rock climbing, and maybe one day I’ll look good in my harness, and that can be icing on the healthy cake.**

*I don’t really feel this way. teddy bears are baller and if you want to carry one then by golly you do it!

**This is a lie. No one looks good in a harness.

**I don’t really condone healthy cake, I mean come on live a little.

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Harness-not diaper

 

Chubby Girl’s Thoughts on Tinder-ing

Guys really don’t know their angles.

You can be the HOTTEST dude on Tinder, but if you take a picture of yourself looking down at your camera without smiling…I will think you’re a serial killer. You’re probably not. But you look like it. I don’t take chances with my life. Swipe left. *

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Guys also really like fish? They like standing next to fish. They like holding fish. They are showing me they can provide, maybe? But I don’t like fish. I don’t want to hold fish or stand next to fish. Swipe left.*

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Guys like active girls! I’m an active girl. I rock climb. I jog. I kickbox occasionally and I never even cry during it (mostly). I’m an active girl! Swipe right!

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Guys like to say their height. I don’t really give a fuck, ok? Do most girls give a fuck or do guys just think they do? I guess maybe I’d be interested if you were Ant Man or Andre the Giant. So, it depends, but if you only say your height in your profile and nothing else I don’t know what that means about you so I swipe left. *

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Hey this guy SUPER LIKED me. That means I’m the hottest babe in the land. He has no pictures of himself. But I’ll give him a chance since he said he SUPER LIKED me and, just like second grade, you can’t just NOT respond when someone SUPER LIKES you, right? Plus, he has a picture of a Dalek. He’s nerdy. I like the Doctor. I’m nerdy. Woo! Swipe right.

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OMG the active guy has messaged me. What did he say?

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Yes, I say. I rock climb. I jog. I like to do stuff. I’m active.

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O_O I’m confused. I have pictures of me doing all these things on my profile. I’m fucking active, God dam….oh…he means skinny. Active means skinny, y’all! I don’t respond.

Oh, nerdy guy is writing. Let’s see what he says.

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He is referring to the TARDIS. I have a picture of me with it in London. I watch Doctor Who. I say that I do.

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He is also referring to my Zelda joke I made in my profile. I love Zelda. He is quizzing me on my Doctor Who knowledge. I love Doctor Who. I also like to go out, mother fucker.

Why won’t Tinder let me be ACTIVE and NERDY and CHUBBY???

I write Elon Musk and ask him to make me a super boyfriend that’s a well-rounded not piece-of-shit. He obliges. I am now the wife of Alonzo 3001. He is everything I want in a man. We live happily ever after. The end. Fuck you, Tinder.

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*Before you get on my ass about me being shallow know that I’m joking. GAWD.

Fear and Loathing (in the social setting)

You ever feel like you’re just more awkward than everyone else? But then maybe after some human interaction, you think, “Hey! I’m not so bad! It’s everyone else that’s awkward!” Then that feeling last about two minutes before you do something really stupid? Like make a reference joke about a movie no one has seen (please see my first blog)? My social life is basically me wildly fluctuating between ‘too confident’ and ‘too insecure.’ This has been a bit of a hindrance on my climbing, and let me tell you why.

 

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                                                       An example of overconfidence

     The wonderful thing about climbing is that it can be both social and solitary. The problem is that WHEN it is social, there’s a lot of attention on an individual person (i.e. the one climbing or about to climb or who just climbed). And often the topic is about your failures. For the record, I think this is fine and good and even healthy, but when you have an anxiety such as mine, it can feel very different from all of that. Also for the record, I am a theatre person and an actor, so this shit afflicts even the stage types, yo.

     I promise never to say yo at the end of a sentence again.

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     Let me tell you about the typical interaction at any local rock gym. First,I have to tell you that whenever I am getting physically exhausted or am just not feeling it that day, I will actually try HARDER things. This sounds way cooler than it is. It is not inspiring. It is a way for me to fail without feeling that bad about it.

     My top boulder so far has been a V3 (but I can’t do that consistently, so really a V2), but if I’m having a bad day, I suddenly think it’s a good idea to try a V5 or a V6. “Oh, a six foot dyno* over there? I’m sure I can try that.” So, really, I start to fuck about a lot and I don’t get weary when I fall because I didn’t really expect to be able to do a V7 on an overhang anyway.

 

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*A dyno is a big ‘dynamic movement’ or jump from one hold to another.

     This has, of course, gotten me into trouble. And when I say trouble. I mean social trouble. Because I’m an idiot. Imagine me trying a route I 100% am years away from doing. Imagine that. Now, imagine an attractive man who has probably been doing that kind of route since he was 13 watching. Do you know where this is going?

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        ‘BETA’ in climbing is the way you get up a route. 

     What am I going to say? “No! I was just fucking about!” If you’re saying yes to that question then you have no understanding of my inner awkward turmoil.

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Not pictured: Me falling on the starting hold despite him giving me twenty minutes of beta.

     I know that you’re disappointed me because you hold me in such high regard. I know that honesty is the best policy in not making a fool out of yourself. But really I can’t control my brain in these high intensity moments. Flight or fight response. But with lying about my abilities.

 

UPDATES on last mini goals:

-I started running again! Woo! I may have jumped too quickly and started with 5ks three times a week. I was pretty sore, but not feeling injured or anything right now.

-I tracked my sugar for the first half of the week. Then got derailed by going out to eat in one of those dinner theatres to watch ‘IT’. Do any of you just completely fall off the wagon once you cheat once? I need to live in a monastery for awhile.

-Did not look up a recipe at all but will do so this week and COOK it.

Mini Goals for this week:

-COOK delicious healthy recipe (see above)

-Continue with low sugar intake for the whole week (do you guys do a cheat day? Like Saturday? I’m debating if I should go full hog or allow myself one day of indulgence)

-Bust out the nutribullet and start making smoothies again for that mid afternoon lull. Any recipes?

You’re the Worst

I love food, you guys. This is part  of my problem. I know you’re thinking, “well everyone has that problem”, and you’d be right. But I REALLY love food. Which would be easy to combat if it was just me. I can deprive myself of love. I mean I’ve done it for long time! Ahahahahahahahahaha like I’m single and alone ahahahahahahahahahahahaha…I’m going to need a second

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Anyway, where was I? Right. If it was just me loving food then it would just be me wrestling with those demons and I’d have good days and bad but I could maybe get through it. But my whole family loves food. I live with my family right now. My parents and brother and sister. It’s not one of those things where we all hate living together but do so because of our bills to pay. I mean, bills are part of it, but we’re also a really close clan and generally don’t mind being in each others vicinity.

But…we love food. We watch a show, we eat food. We play a board game, we eat food. Every meal we discuss the next and it’s almost always around us doing something fun. I rock climb with my sister. Our gym has a really great cafe INSIDE OF IT. My sister and I, like to make a special occasion out of getting their fries. Food is always a special occasion even though it happens all the time.

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A month ago I went to visit a close friend in Florida. It was a fun trip. When I came home my mom had a ‘Welcome Back’ cookie cake as if I had been gone in the Marines for twelve months. My mom is amazing btw, because she does these things. I like that we can turn anything lame into an event. But this also attributes to me being a chubby girl climbing and not a sex kitten girl climbing or whatever you kids call hot people these days.

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So what is one to do? As much as I am an advocate for chubby girl climbers everywhere, it would also be a lot lovelier for my poor digits if I were hanging from a few less pounds. Plus, I’m getting older now so I should probably stop eating like a garbage person unless I WANT early cardiac arrest.  If I were an alcoholic, you’d say “Move out of that toxic environment now!” but this is a little different then that, don’t you think?

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So here’s my challenge. It’s always good to start challenges at the beginning of the month because I’m OCD.

-No eating out (only special occasions)

-No? alcohol (wait…umm…maybe some alcohol that’s low calories? Any ideas that isn’t me drinking straight vodka like I’m cool or something?)

-Intermittent fasting. Eating only 2 pm-10 pm cause I’m a late night person. (Imma post about this later)

-It’s kind of all or nothing.We as a family need to all get in shape and eat healthier. That’s the only way I can be successful at this house. I think I need to actually cook for everyone(have I mentioned I’m a horrible cook? Oh, where here it goes I’m a horrible cook. Ok, not burn water horrible but everything I make comes out bland. SO I got to learn how to cook. Got any good recipes I should try? This is the longest parentheses comment EVER. That’s an exaggeration it isn’t that long, get over it GAWD.) and take over this party planning committee with some healthy shit, yo.

-I need to get so healthy about my food it’s annoying. Like I eat kale in front of the tv and people say “Oh my God she’s the woooorost.” That kind of healthy. So….sigh….going low sugar y’all.

-What do you do? What’s successful or not for you? (If you say, “oh ‘this and that’ really FILL ME UP so I don’t eat as much” then I hate you because I rarely overeat because I’m still feeling hungry. *emotional issues*)

 

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So how am I going to start associating health food with fun food? This is gonna take a lot of habit training, homies.

MINI GOALS FOR THIS WEEK:

    -Stay under 45 grams of sugar (this is what MyFitnessPal put as my goal, so I’m using that for now until I know more information)

    -Find at least one new healthy recipe to make for the family

   -Bring running back into my life for some cardio.